I hated being black
I was never a coon, I just never felt the need to hate on my people because of certain individuals. But, I was and have always been in a position where I hated certain aspects of my blackness. It wasn't the skin tone, but it was what was expected of me because of my melanin. Now, I always believed I had an average middle-class upbringing. But with all the supposed advantages of that, I still never got over the things hurled at me simply for being black. Now I am not talking about the conversation you get from your parents when they teach you about proper procedure just in case the police come at you. No, I am talking about the issues I wish black boys/men got growing up about their femininity, self-image, and much more.
In the beginning , I was born Oct 16, 2000. Meaning I am basically Generation Z but also somewhat a Millennial. And growing up in the 2000s was interesting for numerous reasons. There was so many great programs for kids from notable channels such as Disney and Nickelodeon. And many of these programs did not stray from talking about heavy topics at times. But the one thing that I didn't like was the lack of conversation around black boys. Specifically, black boys who are struggling with their sexuality and self-image. Now, I have always known I had at least a curiosity surrounding men, but I never fully expressed that. I just knew that there was a way I presented myself that was different from the others. And of course, there were no Tik -Tok videos of queer empowerment back in elementary school, so if you get called gay, well, you better deny that shit, or you were going to deal with bullying. This is not to say, I still didn't get bullied, and if these queer Tie-Toks did exist at the time, it would have change everything. But in a way, I still believed it would of helped. And in the end, you grow up to find out kids will be kids, no matter how mean they can get. The issue, however, were the adults in the room. I remember the first time I got hit on my hand for having a limp wrist. I always thought that sensation felt bad beyond reason. That after shock that lingers throughout the day on your skin if it's bad enough. Nevertheless, I still would talk in a high voice and be feminine here or there, and of course, I would get corrections. This was one aspect of my issue with my image.
The other development beyond the suppression of my feminine qualities was the lack of understanding with my weight issues. Now, I was a big boy. And my classmates would tell me, as well as my doctors, family friends and maybe even strangers on the street. I was in no position to fight these people's allegations without changing my weight. So I developed a bad relationship with food. I would eat tons of crap, feel bad and give up for a month. Then, when I felt too ugly, I would lose the weight again and go back to the over weight range. So I yo-yo dieted for years during my schooling. In an endless purgatory of bulk and shred. I would eat so much, that my stomach would hurt, but I still continued the glutinous escapades because the food was "so good". And all while I complain to my parents about my weight, forcing my stained blue overalls over my stomach because the buttons just weren't buttoning. I slowly, years later, realized that was another part of my trauma.
And then finally, the one that puts this unholy trinity together, my blackness. I often think about past misfortunes as only aligning with me questioning my sexuality, and the duality of issues with morbid obesity. I never took into consideration that these different issues were being exacerbated by my race. The different standards applied by a particular shade of skin, and form of body type. I can't recall the exact moment I had this revelation, really. But I remember one day, I saw a fat black guy, and by his outfit, he was a football player. Of course, there has always been unspoken beef between the sports players in schools and the arts, simply due to the fact that in some school one would get funded more over the other. And let's just say, people aren't really looking to see a teen make another masterpiece of his favorite hentai of the month. But regardless of that, the biggest observation I noticed was that his fatness was not a problem. Not saying that he was never called fat or anything of that nature, but it seemed to be just a part of his personality. He didn't seem to care about his weight, yet I was complaining about mines. Then it hit me, he was presenting masculine. In my own personal understanding of that, even if he was insecure about that, he was not gonna tell anyone. Another factor of mines that showed my insecurity within my personhood, to put my insecurities out in the open.
Yet, funny enough, there was a guy who was just as big as me and just as fem, yet he did not seem to inherit this sense of self-pity. In a way, I believed he owned it and never let anyone make him feel otherwise. Now, I don't know what could have been going on behind closed doors, but for the most part, he was living his life. I on the other hand, though conversational and able to make (friends) struggled with a variety of issues. And I came to the conclusion, that I wanted to have the same perceived existence as that masc black man. I wanted to benefit from a system only used for that (straight) black man and the like. And that presentation, only used for the masc, was not gonna work for me if I continued to be the way I was. But for some reason, I maintained, and dived deeper into my otherness. Conflating protest with a new type of freedom. But I did not want to protest all the time. I did not want to be sensitive and whine about my predicaments. Yet, throughout my high school and college life, I felt stuck. I began to understand the power of the black stereotype. A big black, dark skin man, who takes charge and doesn't let anyone talk to him sideways. Even when knowing this growing up, I didn't fully assimilate to the ideal. The reason being is because that is what everyone was programmed to believe.
No one is going to respect a hippie gay black man with flowers in his hair. Unless he is ready to swing on people who will evidently test him. Women will kiki with this man, but also insult him if he oversteps his access to this circle. A circle that straight men only dream of. And when I contemplated my weight. The inferiority complexed the hate for me. For in the 2000s or 2010s I was looking for representation of a black man with that particular issue. There was no representation of a (gentle giant). A man emotionally upfront and one who does not lead with masculinity all the time. A Thespian that code-switches before even realizing the terminology. Someone so caught up in the spiral of transitioning identities that often time feels as if in a play that won't end. Who was going to represent that aspect of a man/boy in a genuine way? Who was going to talk about these interconnected issues of weight, sexuality, and race? Or was it, at that time, too culturally ambitious? Maybe a contestant on "My Biggest Loser" finally getting the abs they always wanted. Perhaps the football player from a rough neighborhood who miraculously has a white savior bring him in and raise him from his troubled past. Or a prisoner who pours his heart out in a dirty jail cell as Tom Hanks feels emotionally invested from the other side of the bars. Maybe a viewing of fat Albert or Nutty professor, just for a good laugh. Or any other, form of media that exemplifies some aspect of those values, only to end with a sacrifice, a lack of autonomy, or a joke for joking sake.
If we move specifically, towards the evaluation of weight issues being presented in the media. I can only think of a white woman or a teen girl forcing herself to throw up, creating controversy for being so raw and honest about eating disorders. But what about black males like me? Do I get to see someone like me struggle with body dysmorphia or disordered eating? Do I get to have a conversation about sexuality and the issues you have with being a queer black man, no. There may have been shows like Noahs Ark, and Queer As Folk, but for the majority of my childhood, the most I could relate to was a 90s sitcom, or some gay short film I looked at in the wee hours of the morning when I should be asleep to get ready for school in a couple of hours. And its not like I had reason to complain, growing up with two parents in a safe neighborhood. There was no reason to acknowledge homophobia, colorism, fat phobia and so on. Not when you got clothes on your back, food in your mouth, and a roof over your head. And it was not like I was the only one who was different. I have queer family members, but let's be real…there's a different kind of relationship with family members who are older than you. And with the normalization of these different biases and a lack of understanding of inclusivity, I wasn't looking for much guidance. You'll get a quick, just "fight back" "Don't eat too much" "Get over it" to name a few.
And this works for some boys/men, but it did nothing for me in my developmental years. That as I have gotten older, dissociated from different parts of myself. Almost borderline Dissociative Identity Disorder, I compartmentalized my entire personality, shifting in and out of different ideals of what is acceptable at the moment. If I don't want to fight, I make them laugh, and extra brownie points if it's at the expense of my self-esteem. Which, in turn, creates a cycle of self-indulgent issues that causes me to lash out at myself more than anything else. And yes, sometimes I liked being seen as a masculine man. I liked being perceived as normal, and one of the boys sometimes. But, it was not entirely my personality. If it was, there would be no back and forth between my psyche about the logistics of my various presentations.To sum it up, I hated blackness because I felt that the blackness in me denied me everything I wanted to be. Understanding of my emotional issues with food. Understanding of my issues with sexuality and overall presentation. Understanding of what makes me different as a man. Blackness was the very thing that kept me captive to a particular standard, a particular type of comfortable that, honestly at times, feels affirming. But why wouldn't it be? There is a history of these homophobic, misogynist, violent aspects of manhood that are applied to boys before they turn into men.
And I, who was once one of those kids, had the audacity to deny this particular standard of manhood because that was simply not what I was comfortable with. This does not mean that on the outside looking in, I am not occasionally invited into the house of man when I do the right things. When I am a misogynist, or randomly lower my voice to remind people, I am still a (man). Or any other notable thing that associated with this typical form of manhood. I not only hated MY blackness, but I hated my body and every other thing that came with it. Body image, is not only dependent on weight but height, skin tone, facial features and much more. I have and always will be dark skin, and have and always will be tall. Which was fine, until I realized that there was a contract to that. See, I'm not only more respected, feared, envied by my other male counterparts for these features, but I am entirely disrespected, when I refuse to align myself with my god given presentation. Some men, who have been clowned for their unfortunate length, would have died on any hill, if there was a possibility of waking up with my height. And yet, I hated it because it made me stand out more. It's kind of hard to disappear when you're one of the tallest niggas in the room.
Nevertheless, I did not say all of this to proclaim that blackness is the epitome of destruction. That because you are black and are traditional cis, het, and masc, that means you are a bad person. That your tendencies and participation in uplifting these ideals make you an agitator of my happiness. In truth, these ideals provided to the big black man is seen in the queer community as well. And even I have dealt with my own hypocrisy when evaluating this issue. Because I did not want to be perceived as this stereotype, yet I wanted the stereotype to come to me. I often wondered, while also fighting off the allegations of being nothing more than a fat funny guy, did I physiologically dissociate from being a man at all? Because the rebelling of masculinity creates even more confusion when you realize what heteronormativity is. If I were to be fem and find attraction to men, what is to stop me from liking "real men". If being told I was rebelling against my natural design, why not fully embrace what is offered to women? This was another problem in my developmental stages in life because I refused to be the thing I was attracted to. I refused to align myself with another standard present in the queer community. I felt that I was safe from this need to be a "real man" not taking into account that the (girly girls) at the end of the day are still men. Meaning, they are still conditioned to believe in the attraction of these values. The masc, ready to ride out and pop shit, tall, big dick, athletically aligned, man. Though the individual may not attempt to become this, there is no escape from knowing that as (the standard).
Moreover, no one wants to be fem AND fat. Because not only is it still an issue to be a girly girl in the queer community, go figure, but it is also very unfortunate to flaunt your fat around as a queer man. And this confused me even more because there were fat people being seen as attractive, they were just white, or light skin. Now, this does not mean that there aren't relationships that break this ideal. However, it has become apparent that there is still much to be said about double standards in and out of numerous communities. Something rises in an individual that tempts them to look at a non-conventional couple as fake. This can go for someone socially attractive with someone who is (akward looking). Someone light skin with Eurocentric features with someone who is of a darker hue with black features, and the list goes on and on. That is just to keep in mind that this conversation on what is socially acceptable in attraction and desirability is not only dependent on sexuality and weight. Nevertheless, going back to the original analysis, I often struggle with this mindset though viewing people of all shapes and sizes fall in love. My mind tells me, there can't be a genuine-shared attraction towards a fem fat person with someone who is not fem or fat, but especially not when that person is dark skin. Because, it has been the representation for many black men in history that our skin color offers violence and dominates masc energy. We do not dare offer up feminine qualities unless we are two shades lighter, then and only then will fatness not even be an issue. Because you aren't a mammy personified in a man's body, now you're exotic, unique.
And that baffled me because initially, I put all the blame on my blackness being represented in only one way on straight people. It was growing up, now 22 years old, that I still find it difficult to articulate the full scope of what I am revealing to you now. But the conditioning of dark - skin black men, goes beyond Light skin vs Dark skin memes. It goes beyond the ghettos and the hoods that seem to provide this image the most, and it originates in the land of the Jim Crow era. It is at this moment, when the black man is beaten down to death, that he begins to reconstruct his own form of identity. A counter-attack of more violence and sexuality and anger, to succumb to the narrative made by white supremacists. And with its insidious nature, if a man were to be educated offering nothing but the highest of standards, some black individuals will still be threatened by otherness because it lacks true safety. To deny yourself of your own race, is to inevitably destroy your sense of self. So those who can't afford to be in the safe neighborhoods like me have to be this type of man. And even though my upbringing wasn't abusive, I still didn't avoid aspects of this standard because my parents were also conditioned this way. No matter, in a better position or not, economically speaking, a black man is still to be a black man.
But who is to stop the snatching away of youth to kill off the weak, sissy, influences? Were1 0 and 14-year-old boys are having sex with grown women. Where there's a prevalent move of gang violence between the black youth. Where there is a lack of accountability within religion and the need to point the finger elsewhere. When pastors push these queer individuals away, or to not acknowledge the issues with men at all, for it is theologically sound that women have to be led onto the right path. This creates not only the scrutiny of queers but cis het women as well. For the image finds its meaning in different forms. If I am not going to be a threat, a dominator this way, I will be the man in the suit, who plays the game. And if need be, I will heavily distance myself from any type of image that creates conflict between this. I am not going to be fat, if not funny and straight. Not straight, if not tough and hard. Not tough and hard if not black and bold. I'm seemingly connecting different ideals in a nonsensical rant, find that there is an interconnection between many things in our society. So much so, that we can become overwhelmed at the thought of this inclusivity of phobias and biases. The interconnecting ideals that once may have had their purpose, but negate progress in this country now.
As a black man, I am proud to be black. I am proud of my identity and the many things about it. Yet, I will not lie about the reoccurring feelings of not liking that part of me when I look in the mirror. I often still, like many doing the work, fight this frustration towards this stereotype. That if I present differently, as others who I might have pushed that same bias onto, I don't deserve desirability, love, and most of all, understanding. That same sense of rules, that lingered in my psyche when learning more about myself, does not exempt me from participating in uplifting the thought of "Real Black Men Act Like This." For I am going to be black whether I am feminine or not. I'll be worthy, whether I am fat or not. And I honestly don't see that as a bad thing, that black men, especially dark skin black men, find themselves battling with this. Whether finding distance from themselves with dating outside their race. Or being a perfect more stable representation of blackness, while secretly indulging in the black violence that, out loud, they say they don't prescribe to. Blackness and its many forms should not be subjected to one type of presentation. And blackness in it many forms should not be diluted to be only worthy when in absence of the undiplomatic blacks. There is more to be said about this subject, but I just wanted to share my thoughts on my own journey with self identity. See you next time, bye.
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