I'm No Longer A Virgin (W & L)

 So, A couple days ago it was my 23rd birthday and I was excited. I had been texting this dude on and off a day or so before and I really wanted to fuck. It was something I was really into. In all honesty, I didn't really have any plans in terms of doing anything on my 23rd. I look at the same shit. But this time my friends, like most of my stories I learned a lesson in what it means to love yourself, again.........at my big age.

Long story short, for context, in high school I liked this nigga. Like a bitch was OBSSESSED. I couldn't sleep, I mean a hoe ate but still. I gave my all to the obsession over this person. I later did the same in college, freshman year. I was with this guy friend, I thought to give my all to this man and still, it was not asked for. And to clarify, when I say gave my all, I just acted like a crazy person harassing him and doing childish things. I later, after scrolling the internet found out that this was called LIMERANCE (basically a tendency to idealize someone and put them on a pedestal, to fantasize about you and them together, this feeling is not shared with that particular person).

 So in the end I have given myself too much of it over time. With several years passed from my past obsession with the guy from college, I didn't dare contact him for honestly...the both of us. I saw him today at the gym, and pretended he was not there lol. I say all this to say, that I am more than capable in acknowledging this issue and moving foward. What I am not able to do however, is  give myself the benefit of the doubt, by learning to not get too attached. I'm a work in progress, I guess, lol.

Now, I was fucking BUMMED! I'm 23 now, still saving for a place, asking the girls on Snapchat what I should do? My cousins either damn near in the same boat, got kids, and family, so it was too last minute to ask for a party. Sad to say the least, and you know a hoe barely got a response back on that snapchat, fake assess, lol.

 But I am blessed enough to have a family that is heavily involved in me, and I spent the time with them. And of course, while I was doing this, I was texting this guy I met on Grindr. Nice (trade) real fucking nice. We talked to each other on and off, and after texting him all day, and trying to get an uber, I finally found my ass to his place. I get ready real quick, because my lyft was coming fast hunty. I put some short-shorts on, and then my crop top under a black puff coat, and he said he "really wanted to see me". Now some weeks or so earlier, I was with another DL, but he wasn't hittin fr, and had weak foreplay, I hated that shit. However, this nigga here, yeah he was worth the trouble. So I'm in the lyft, I pull up to the apartments, and I am excited to try to fuck this nigga, not gonna lie. I get there, he opens the door. The nigga fine, 6'7', kind of an athletic build and nice face. So its about time, I look in the mirror, get ready. I take my shit off, and we start kissing. Now I tell you what!!! It wasn't even kissing fr, but this nigga had me lit.

He was way better then the other nigga, he sucks my neck (automatically), then we move on to all types of stuff. He eats my ass, jacks me off, I mean we just doing shit. And the best part is the nigga is verbal. Yes Ma’am! Ain't none of that weak shit, nigga made me say all types of shit. And when I tell you this nigga, (the first nigga to successfully, penetrate me) hit that shit right. After he ate the box, he started teasing my shit then, slid it right in there. That shit hurt at first, but he was all in my ear telling me shit, I almost passed out. I then began to do some frotting, and this nigga told me to (look him in the eyes) and when we kissed he bit my tounge (on purpose), I was turned onnnnn. Then we do other stuff, and sadly just like the last nigga, he couldn't cum. Prolly cuz of his roommate. Low key, I thought his roomate was crazy, cuz why I can't fuck you in your room, because this nigga coming to the house. Shit felt weird, and I just wanted to continue, but  the nigga said I had to go because of his "roomate" don't play that. So let me tell you what made me mad, besides the lack of cumshot. I kiss this nigga and call him baby, then leave. His ass after I kiss him gone say (damn) like he was so turned on. Mind you, this the first time I ever been with a man (like that). He basically took my virginity fr, and so when I kissed him and said (see you later baby) I meant that shit. Damn, was I stupid.

I left, made some snapchat post about it, it was the opening to my 23rd birthday, and I genuinely felt good about it. I showed the outside of the apartments  (NOT HIS APARTMENTS)  my camera quality so fucked you don't even know where I was at. I did show the outside like where the signs is, on the side of the street, but then again, (which set of apartments was I in?  Who was I talking to? Who was I fucking?) Niggas don't know that shit cuz I don't kiss and tell, you feel me! Well, apparently he didn't feel me. 

See, after I go and have a passionate moment with a nigga, he ghost me. Yeah, he didn't look at anymore of my text, feel off the face of the earth on Grindr, like it was weird. I saw he saw my snapchat stories and thought, damn he must think I'm tryna expose him or something. I genuinely didn't think anything of it cuz "why would I?" This the first time I ever fucked a nigga, lol. So I wake up for the rest of my birthday, horny. Yes! A bitch was having flashbacks and shit back to back. And I was ready for that part two that the nigga was talkin about. Yet, no read text messages, nothing, just silence. and I just thought to myself, "How you lose and win at the same damn time?"

And of course, I got mad as if I even knew this nigga name besides babe, and a mirror pic with his dick out, and a snapchat filter on his face. I legit contemplated my time with this nigga like we was together for six fucking months. I then thought about what lead to this. I come and see him. I come and spend my money to see him. He says "I'm gonna come and pick you up". And I'm stressed out at the phone waiting for a response like a desperate bitch. Now don't get me wrong, 

I"M STILL THAT BITCH!

(This shit so funny...I had tooooo)

 But in this sense, no baby just no. I honestly played myself, and who knows how many hoes that nigga fucking. I was prolly just another nigga on his roster, that got in his feelings because of some dick and verbal play. This girls, yes, THIS! This is an important lesson on knowing what (you) want from a man. You running to hookup, that's what you get. You begging for some dick, that's what you get. You desperately want a date, then that's what you get. Notice none of these words (running, begging, desperately) give off a positive self love vibe. And that's okay, cuz it ain't. This is real talk and in truth, as an adult, I had to understand that horniness can't be the bases for further developments in (romantic endevours). It plays a part, but girl! Not that big of a damn part. Kill That Other Shit!!!

In conclusion, I just have to laugh at the situation really. It reminds me of a time I texted a DL on Grindr and asked him to (tell me about himself) LMAO! I got to stop asking dudes that honestly, they never like to see that question. But how many (What up? Chillin, Aights) am I gonna give before it gets redundant? I low key wanted to know the dude. And I also low-key wanted to know the last dude believe it or not. But he didn't want to talk either. Too mad he couldn't get his shit in, lol. Tinder is a fucking mess, Grindr is too. But I am hopeful I will get my shit together and my black freak king would do me in, like I always wanted. One day, until then, I got a fucking vibrator, lol.